My Little Shadow

Torin is now over one year old.

The comment directly above can be stated simply enough, but when read and thoughtfully evaluated, there is somehow a fantastic level of complexity squirming between its single line.

I’m not sure that I’ve ever uttered a simpler sentence that has in fact more greatly totalized the breadth of impact, state of feelings, and summation of existence relating to my current case in life. Over a year? It’s inconceivable. I feel certain that more meaningful and lasting developments have occurred in the last 379 days than the previous 10,642 days of my mortal walkabout.

There exists no perfect analogy that portrays the colossal change from pre-father status to fatherhood. No analogy could fully illuminate the intricacies and chronicle the composition of this transition. But to attempt…

I think of my shadow. It is predictable—in its level of brightness, contrast, transparency, sharpness, and skew—based on the light source(s), and its exact attributes are known at any given moment without any process of thought. My shadow’s predictable behavior is an established norm, found and formed from nearly 11,000 days of precedence. Then, after all those years of “normalcy,” I notice while working in the yard one summer afternoon that my shadow has become distorted, elongated substantially to the southwest. I gasp, lean forward, and squint in wonder. I gyrate left, right, shake my rake, and steer my shears all about, attempting to “test” my shadow. And the shadow goes right, left, rake droops lifeless, and shears maintain motionlessness. This can’t be happening. What is going on? Has there been a reboot? Or a new, upgraded operating system of reality? This is so different. In toying for some time though, I self-remark of the remarkability of this new state. Though new and initially shocking to my being, this “just-came-out” norm is fresh. My shadow (my son), still generally follows—trailing just behind—but acts independently and with such newness and soul. The transition to fatherhood has been logic-altering and sameness-busting, but this reboot has brought optimization.

A state of flux and over-predictability is alike to being zapped continuously with a growth-atrophyzing ray gun. Staying the same is decreasing.